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September 15th, 2008
02:38 pm - Greetings From Chicago!
So, as many as you may know, I am officially a grad student!
I know, right?!
Seriously though, I cannot get over how quickly this all transpired, and how happy I am to be in the place that I am. It's so exciting to have the opportunity to further my education...especially in a field as exciting and promising as CLS. I'm really starting to think that I've found my niche.
Another point. I am perpetually astounded at the outstanding student services at Rush University. As much as I love/loved Iowa, this school doesn't force me to jump through the inane hoops that the U did. Case-and-point: Financial Aid. Seriously. Me. A.J. Kaufman. Talking about financial aid and not wanting to cry about it. I had no idea that an educational organization could be so outstandingly helpful in meeting financial needs. I almost want to buy them a present.
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July 14th, 2008
02:13 am - God's Selective Disasters
*Disclaimer*
I am not writing to piss people off intentionally. Nor am I writing this to criticize any particular religious group (though the story requires that I mention a few by name) Rather, this is nothing more than my attempt at sharing a recent meditation with you all. Word.
God's Selective Disasters
It's no stretch to say that I was once a religious guy. This former state of being manifested itself in several ways. In fact, my spiritual past prior to my discovery of Agnosticism was an ever-changing spiral of "truth-seeking": Child-like Belief, Penecostal Fanaticism, Back-slid Penecostalism, Penecostal Fanaticism Part Deux, Feigned Atheism, Born-Again Christianity, Five-Point Calvanism, Liberal/Progessive Christianity, Apathetic Christianity, Full-blown Agnosticism.
That's it in a nutshell. Long story short, I have experience with Christianity, in many of its 57 flavors. (OK, so there aren't 57 flavors of Christianity...I told you all: My love of Ketchup runs deep)
Early in college, I was still holding onto Christianity as my guide to figuring out the mysteries of the world. I considered myself to have been "saved", to have been "born again". Indeed, meanderings about religion filled up the majority of my thoughts (one need look no further than my past entries...*shudder*) Like any good Christian boy, I tried to plug myself into a good Christian youth group in order to recharge myself spiritually. My search led me to the ultra-trendy University of Iowa youth group, 24-7. I was awe-struck the first time I attended the event. The people on-stage were attractive, vibrant, energetic...and they played some pretty rockin' tunes (I always have been a sucker for good music). I started attending a weekly Bible-study group and I lived my life as a card-carrying member of Born-Again America.
It should be noted, though, that I never completely believed everything that was tought. Not just in 24-7 or Parkview Church (the Evangelical-Free church that sponsors the group.) To be fair, even though I might have claimed it from time-to-time, I never really did believe that I was supposed to live my life by the words of the Bible in a verbatum fashion. In fact, I never could reconcile some of its words with the world as I saw it. Often times I would find myself verbally disagreeing with the Bible as taught by those in the pulpit. I never did understand how God could condemn a person for failing to follow the religion of a people half-a-world away from him or her. I never could figure out the "problem of evil" and how God could truly be Omniscent and Omnipresent while retaining to be truly Benevolent (I mean, think about it. If God were actually outside of time, then He/She/It/Them would have had knowledge about how everything would go down on Earth. This would mean that He/She/It/Them would have created Satan, man, etc. knowing full-well that we were going to end up sinning and therefore suffering. I'm no geometry expert but if the transient theory is true, Christian God made sin and suffering)
There should be little suprise, then, that my skeptical nature would show itself from time to time. One particularly warm evening, I was attending the low-key, intimate summer version of 24-7. I cannot remember the central theme of the words spoken to us, but one of the most common messages that the pastor repeated was the fact that God sometimes uses disasters to get our attention. He gave an example. Hurricane Katrina, for example, was a horrifying disaster that took many lives and ruined many, many more. "What good can come from wiping out an entire area?" the pastor wondered aloud. He explained further. God, you see, hated New Orleans. OK...he didn't exactly hate New Orleans, but he did hate the sin that was thriving there. The pastor went on to inform us that not only does/did the city have a history of voodoo practice, but it also has/had a sizeable GLBT community (gasp!). He pointed out the fact that the hurricane made landfall a week before the Southern Decadence festival, the gay community's version of Mardi Gras. It couldn't be more obvious, the pastor explained. God was getting our attention! Those silly queers made God angry! Homosexuality caused the devistation!!!
Needless to say, I was outraged and was not the least bit hesitant to make my opinion known in the small groups that followed the main message. "That's bullcrap!" I can remember thinking aloud, much to the chagrin of my fellow 24-7 patrons. This made no sense to me, at all. I could not figure out for the life of me why nobody was backing me up on this one. I mean, sure, Christians tend to be a little on the homophobic side (though I've found that this is usually demonstrated in a homoerotic way...I digress), but still...why would God do such a thing.
It wasn't until this summer, the summer of 2008, that I figured out why He/She/It/Them would indeed do such a thing. The devistation in New Orleans was an obvious repercussion of a city living in sin. He/She/It/Them obivously wanted us to read inbetween the lines created by the debris strewn by Katrina. It was all symbolism, of course! Certainly a disaster is justifiable if it's a part of God's divine plan of saving the flock and drowning the rest!. God, according to some I've heard teach, is found in every disaster and He/She/It/Them is/are shrouded in a cloud of symbolism! Just like the floods of 2008 in Iowa City and the surrounding area. When the water of the Iowa River began to rise and mud began to creep into the halls of Parkview Church it became clear what was happening. God was unhappy with the church's expansion project. Apparantly, megachurches do not please Him/Her/It/Them. God had ruled with a heavy hand and wanted it to be known: "Build not ye megachurches, or I shall flood them like the queers in New Orleans!"
It doesn't take a genious to figure out that I obviously don't believe this is the case. It's hard for me to imagine that God would reveal His/Her/Its/Their disapproval of a particular group by ruining the lives of several hundred people. Especially a group like Parkview Church who has helped touched thousands of lives with their generosity during disasters like Hurricane Katrina. God would never use a disaster against His/Her/Its/Their own people...why would that make sense?
But there-in lies the problem. God, it seems, uses disasters selectively. At least, that's what most of modern Christianity would lead you to believe. It stands to reason that if God wants to get the world's attention via natural disasters, then He/She/It/They would do so universally. All disasters would and should be open to interpretation. This isn't the case, of course. In fact, I believe that if there IS a God the exact opposite is true; God NEVER uses disasters to bring attention upon himself/herself/itself/theirselves. Maybe I'm simplifying matters a bit, but it seems to be that man aligns his Gods to mirror his own desires. In a way, when man attributes the death/misery of a particular group of people to God, he is really expressing his own desire to rid the world of those who think and live differently than himself.
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May 12th, 2008
12:11 am
I think about you
When all evening trees
Are inkblots upon
Midnight blue canvas
And you hide within
Mind-shadow saftey,
Teasing from afar.
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April 24th, 2008
03:45 am - Blue Like Jazz
When I came home from school today, I noticed a large, yellow package-type-envelope sitting on the table where my roomates and I usually set the mail. I was a bit surprised to see that it was addressed to me. Upon opening it I realized that it was a care-package from Second Reformed Church in Fulton. Inside was a copy of the book "Blue Like Jazz". It's a book that I had heard a bit about but was unsure of its specific contents. Like I do with most books, I surveyed it to get a quick synopsis; on the bottom of the front cover was a brief description:
"Nonreligious thought on Christain Spirituality"
At first, I was turned off. I really didn't want to spend any of my increasingly rare free-time on what I assumed to be one man's personal experiences with fairy tales. On the other hand, I thought, it was a very kind gesture of the church to purchase a copy and send it to me.
I didn't plan on reading it right away, but an exam tomorrow morning had me up late studying and drinking coffee and I found myself unable to sleep. After about a half-hour of tossing and turning I figured "what the hell" and I gave it a shot.
I finished it in about an hour and a half. And, no, I didn't have a spiritual reawakening. I will give the author a little credit, it was the most honest book written from a Christian perspective that I have ever read, and it was refreshing to hear some of his opinions about Christianity in terms of social justice and politics. I'll admit that I was taken aback by the fact that he didn't hate on Liberals (at least not blatantly). And I found myself agreeing with some of his sentiments, especially his feelings about attending church.
There was one chapter that struck me in a strange way, however. The chapter was titled "Belief". At the beginning, the author says:
"Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and they can prove He [sic] doesn't exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He [sic] doesn't exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care. I don't believe I will ever walk away from God for intellectual reasons. Who knows anything anyway? If I walk away from Him [sic], and please pray that I never do, I will walk away for social reasons..."
I don't disagree with this entire sentiment, per se. In fact, I whole-heartedly believe that most people that spend the bulk of their time arguing for or against the existence of a diety are doing so to prove that they can win a pissing contest, of sorts. He and I see eye-to-eye in that regard. I also think that disagreeing with Christianity (or any other religion, for the matter) because of social principles is a valid reason to do so. What struck me as odd about this passage, however, is the apparant disdain that the author has for logic, as if logic is some pestilent nuisance to be avoided at all costs.
I guess what I'm saying is this passage exemplifies one of my major qualms with religion, Christianity in particular: It's haughty and circular. Because it lacks any emperical way of legitimizing itself, it seeks to destroy the very nature of logic itself. In reading the book, and this part in particular, I've decided that theology is no more than the art of manipulating language in such a way that life, truth, and all of the questions that plague mankind can only be interpreted a rigid paradigm. I'm not saying this to disprove God or whatever, but I'm more or less saying that it's pretty easy to understand why religion can catch fire like it does. It provides a means of going into a mode of existential auto-pilot. And I get it...who wants to deal with logic? It's linear and without end. I can understand why people would rather jump into a safe circle of reasoning.
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April 8th, 2008
04:35 pm - Things are just a bit nicer over some coffee...
Tuesdays are my long days.
Every Tuesday I wake up early (and I use the term in its strictest college-usage) and walk to school. It usually takes me about a half-an-hour to get there, and I'm usually late. But I'm full of excuses, so my perpetual tardiness usually goes unnoticed. Today it was raining and Sarah drove me, so I was able to finish most of an interesting program on NGEO about a mid-air plane collision in Germany. It was a bit disturbing, but incredibly engrossing. I found it odd that I hadn't even heard of the disaster. It then occured to me that my ignorance was most likely due to this country's stark indifference towards events in the rest of the world. I shuddered at the thought.
Every Tuesday, at 2:10, I start a rather long break. I live further off-campus this year than ever, so I tend to stay on campus once I've managed to get there. Since my next class isn't until 6:30, I usually occupy this time in one of three ways:
1.) Hanging out with Nicole and gossiping the afternoon away.
2.) Finishing homework, errands, and tying up any loose-ends that need to be dealt with.
3.) Playing on the computers in the student union and finding new and interesting music.
Every Tuesday is the same, except for today. Today I was under the assumption that a good chunk of a paper about the biology of aging was due. Because my internet at home has been down for over a week, I was unable to verify the assignment online. When I finally got to the union, I found that "a good chunk" was actually a brief summary paragraph. Bored and looking for a way to entertain myself, I started looking through some of my past journal entries. Specifically I was looking through my poems to see if there were any that I could not remember archiving on my hard-drive at home. In doing so I stumbled upon a series of entries that made me wince. There have been many ups and downs in my life, and part of the joy and curse of keeping a journal is being able to conjure up memories since forgotten. Sometimes it's good to forget temporarily, but I'm not sure if it's ever good to do so forever. For even though the memories were sad, angry, and maybe even a little confused, it helped put recent events into a different sort of perspective. Specifically, it helped in wading through the meaning of a drunken sentence that was uttered by yours truly this past weekend. In any other social setting, the words would've been muffled by the intoxicated cacophony that surrounded me. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) Megan was there to call me out. At any rate, the words stuck with me and have darted around my thoughts from time to time. And the sad words from my past made blurry words clear once more.
Current Music: Death Cab For Cutie - "Wait"
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April 7th, 2008
03:13 pm - An experimental poem
this alcohol tongue
has cristal dream
has hawkeye cheap
has slur-word truth
has fancy fake
has tale-spin twist
has forward fierce
has bubble splash
has coffee burn
has sexy romp
has lonesome limp
has poet taste
has slacker waste
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March 7th, 2008
12:58 am - Haven't come up with a title yet.
If I had my way
Fog would roll in every evening
At 8 pm, maybe.
It would be thick,
Dense enough to envelop
The rays that you shine
From across the room.
We wouldn't need a horn,
And we'd have no worry
Of losing our way.
Trash T.V. could be
Our lighthouse,
And its shallow beams
Would help us avoid,
The world's most jagged rocks.
And we'd remain immersed
Until, at last, it cleared.
If I could only have my way
The fog would never cease to be
And I'd never again be forced to say
I wish you were here with me.
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March 4th, 2008
04:02 pm - People don't dance no more, they just stand there like this...
This past weekend might have been among the most fun in my entire life.
It all started with a mad dash Friday night with Radhika to finish getting ready for Tara's wedding in Springfield, IL. We frantically searched for a salon willing to take us as walk-ins to make sure that we both got pretty-fied enough to at least look somewhat fierce the next day. From there, we sprinted to Olive Garden where we had a fabulous meal with Sarah for her birthday and we went out to the Vine afterwards. Long story short, I ended up drinking/staying out for way longer than I had anticipated. Megan and I went to a concert at the Yacht Club and she proposed to me. All was well and good until the plastic came apart and my ring broke. We took it as a sign and decided that we would postpone any further plans of engagement...at least until we fixed the ring. :*)
The wedding itself was a blast. Megan, Paul, Ana and I drove down to the boonies together. Somehow we managed to get everyone (all 12+ of us) to the same location in one piece and relatively on-time. The ceremony was absolutely gorgeous, and Tara looked like she could've been on the cover of a bridal magazine. Srsly. The reception was hoppin'...great food, great drinks, great people (terrible D.J....the only complaint of the night). I was beyond impressed by some of Tara's friends from Springfield. They were very easy to get along with and they sure knew how to have a good time. The hotel was very nice, especially for the price, though I suppose I wasn't really there for a heckuva long time. While there, I made two extremely fabulously fierce friends, Alex and Deshawnee. They were both beyond fantastic and we simply must plan a reunion of sorts in the near future. Perhaps I can convince them to venture up to this neck-of-the-woods to party it up in the I.C. with the Gill-Stones (by the way, that's officially what I'm calling you two, Tara. pretty much the coolest name EVER) and all of the Iowa gang.
I'll probably comment more later, I should probably get studying for an exam coming up at 6:30. heh.
Current Music: The Rapture - "Whoo! Alright - Yeah... Uh-huh"
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February 25th, 2008
11:57 pm
We found that,
When the lines
Disappeared,
Heaven is a rock
And Jesus is in
The summer haze which
Gathers above Dodge Street.
And we are the saints
Who preach
With the haze
In our haze
And drink salvation
In the park.
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February 21st, 2008
01:38 am - The song I'm currently obsessed with.
"Reservations"
How can I convince you it's me I don't like
And not be so indifferent to the look in your eyes
When I've always been distant
And I've always told lies for love
I'm bound by these choices so hard to make
I'm bound by the feeling so easy to fake
None of this is real enough to take me from you
Oh I've got reservations
About so many things
But not about you
I know this isn't what you were wanting me to say
How can I get closer and be further away
From the truth that proves it's beautiful to lie
I've got reservations
About so many things
But not about you
I've reservations
About so many things
But not about you
Not about you
Not about you
Not about you
It's not about you
Current Music: Wilco - "Reservations"
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February 19th, 2008
05:36 pm - ...and the darkness spreads out over the snow
Sometimes, when I'm wearing my glasses instead of contacts, I like to take them off when I'm seated in public spaces. Everyone and everything becomes instantly blurry, yet the world seems clear. *shrug*
This winter has been ridiculous...and yes, this is still A.J. and I still love winter, but seriously. I cannot remember one like this for the life of me. We have so much snow and ice all over everything...the road that I live on is nearly impassible, three days after the latest winter storm. It's kind-of bullshit, especially considering how expensive it is to live in this area. *another shrug*
I'm going to make a more concerted effort to visit those whom I've neglected to keep in close contact with over the past view months. Contact as in live-action contact. *a third shrug*
The reality of life has started to set in. Graduation is in less than four months, which is a scary thought to say the least. It's time to get some shit figured out.
Current Music: Regina Spektor - "Field Below"
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February 12th, 2008
12:17 am - Stay inside 'till somebody finds us, do whatever the T.V. tells us.
A couple of things.
First and foremost, I started doing yoga. I'm taking classes in Vinyasa and Gharam (hot yoga). At first it was extremely difficult, but I've gotta say...I get the craze now. It's an absolutely amazing workout, and I've already gotten better. There are some positions that still seem impossible to me, but I'm sure I'll get there in time.
Second: Sleep Paralysis sucks balls. Last night I had a nightmare and prompty woke up. No big deal...nightmares don't usually bother me. Last night, however, upon waking from my slumber I found myself frozen. I tried as hard as I could but was unable to move. I struggled for what seem like an hour (but was most likely 3 or 4 minutes). Finally I was able to control my arm and turn on the light. Gradually, I regained motor function. I read a little bit about it today and found that it's not anything to be too concerned about...nothing too serious. But, damn...it's effing scary. I hope that never happens again.
Third: I have senioritis. Badly. I need to get over it soon because I definately need to get on the bus. Soon.
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February 1st, 2008
01:16 pm - If I could get political for a minute...
...but first allow me to put on glasses and light a sophisticated Calabash pipe...
Okay...now I'm prepared to get political on your asses.
So, I have to admit that I am completely confounded by Democratic support for Hillary Clinton (whom I will refer to from here on out as either "Hilldog" or alternately "Hilldo". Don't misunderstand, I have a profound respect for the woman. In fact, I've seen her speak on two separate occasions. Many of her views on issues mirror my own. And I'll admit that the idea of a woman president is appealing to me.
My problem with Hilldog is this: People who are not self-described liberals (read Democrats) LOATHE her. The Repulican party in its current state is fractured. What was once a well-oiled machine has started to rust over and malfunction. Their candidates are hating on each other worse than Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff. I wouldn't be surprised if their on-stage debate bickering dissolved into pot-shots at each other on the E! Network. At this point there is nothing that can unify the Republican Party...
...nothing except a mutual hatred for Hilldo.
Hilldo lacks crossover appeal of any sizeable amount. Independents are never going to vote for her, especially if John McCain gets the nod (an increasingly likely event). Independents seem to be all-up-on the Straight Talk Express. Complicating matters further is the fact that she will most likely lose a chunk of the anti-war crowd because of her voting record. She claims that she will be ready to work on the first day of the presidency, but if she doesn't have the foresight to see though much of the garbage that will be put in front of her, I fail to see how her much-touted experience is of any relevance.
Barack Obama is the clear choice for the party, and for the nation. Not only are his stances on the issues solid and progressive, they are backed-up by his record. He is the only candidate informed enough to have understood the outstandingly damaging repercussions that an unfounded war on Iraq would have on our foreign policy and relations. He is the country's only hope to break free from the political paradigm that my generation has been forced to be a part of...think about it. Only 4 years of my life were lived without a Bush or a Clinton in the White House, and look at the mess we are in.
Hopefully the rest of the nation feels the same way I do on Tuesday.
Go Barack.
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January 9th, 2008
02:30 am - Religious Meanderings
No song lyric Subject Line tonight. Sorry, devoted blog fans. ;)
Anyways...a couple of friends and I watched The Truman Show tonight. As always, I had forgotten how much I love that movie. It's beyond profound, and to say that it was made well before it's time is an understatement at the very least. Up until now, the main reason that I enjoyed it so much was because of how it was an amazingly creative meditation on modern social life; specifically the reality T.V. phenomenon. It struck me as strange that this film managed to predict an upcoming public obsession with viewing the lives of others from a distance. In doing so, it provides a warning about the natural progression that reality could very well undergo if gone unchecked.
Blah blah blah...that's all obvious.
Tonight, however, I saw the movie in a different way. I think that a new revelation came upon me during the final scene, when Truman is exposed to a manufactured storm at sea...and when he finally realizes that his world was not nearly as big as he had once believed. Of course, he had prior instances that had led him to his attempt at escape. Indeed it seems that throughout the film, his life seems peppered with random instances that gave him the start of an idea. An idea that there might be more to life than what had been presented to him. As the director/archetect of the "show" says:
"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented."
Truman eventually learns to break free from the paradigm of what life was set forth to be and experiences is as what it really is. That is, he leaves the world which was presented to him because he knows that it's merely fantasy...one forced upon him by outside influences. He enters into reality.
Perhaps I'm really reaching here with this logic, but it seems to me that Truman's story is not altogether different from those who share a life story like mine. Being an American (especially an American in the Midwest), I have been indoctrined to believe that the world, life, the universe, and everything before, during and after it are all a part of this Christian tale taught to them by generations of family before them. This tale was presented as nothing less than absolute truth...no wiggle room, no questions. And like the manufactured storm that Truman was subjected to, visions of firey punishment were dangled in front of me to keep me in their fantasy world.
Maybe it's a stretch, but I could relate to Truman as he started to walk through the door...as he moved from fiction into fact. And I could relate to his hesitation as the man who created the myth begged him not leave. But, like Truman, I left.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't believe in God anymore. But I've stopped trying to define Him/Her/It/Them/Whatever. It's futile and it's exhausting. And to be honest...I've never felt better.
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December 21st, 2007
03:05 pm
The last man's comments are priceless.
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December 10th, 2007
01:14 am
I had a thought tonight, which was most likely the result of the pitter-patter of ice outside of a sleepy midnight shopping center. The sound of the frozen rain against the double doors resonated with a delicate rythm, pulsing softely through the deserted building like the strokes of brush-sticks against a loose snare. Without missing a beat, my mind drifted to Christmases past. Sitting in the dark front room by the fire with its glow and the dim light of the tree shining on my face, each breath filled with a harmony of scents, none of which is distinct.
It was in this characteristic bout of nostalgic daydreaming that I realized something. Life is, at its most basic level, a series of two types of time periods strung together haphazardly. The one consists of all the good times, more importantly...the safe times. The times where the world feels like it is spinning safetly on its course around the sun. Every moment seems to flow into the next one like a brilliantly lucid dream. Any obstructions that arise from day to day are easily negotiated, and everything is possible. The other time period is the waiting period. This is the period that comes at the brink of major life changes; college, different career paths, the end of relationships (both romantic and otherwise). It's not an altogether lonely place...indeed it seems that we sometimes enter into its desert in groups, but the sense of woe can separate us as it hangs over us all like cold, still air on a December's eve. It's the place wherein the rub would lie, if we knew what that meant.
...and the strangest part of it all is the fact that the two time periods always border each other, and both are inevitable. And niether could exist independently.
*shrug*
It's not an altogether depressing thought. It does explain, though, why I always feel like I'm living each moment with a longing for the one that's just passed. Sometimes I forget that, someday, I'll feel safe again.
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December 3rd, 2007
02:06 am - ...and if you are the ghost of Christmas past then you won't stay the night...
Three random thoughts.
I read something unintentionally that pissed me off irrationally. Or maybe rationally, I don't know. It was probably an off the cuff statement or possibly I'm guilty of paranoid interpretation, but I couldn't help but take it as a personal Ad Hominem. Whatever. I'm over it.
The fact that the ground is laced with a brilliant icy snow has helped ground a life that has seemed to be fishtailing into oncoming traffic. I knew it was only a matter of time before things began to fall into place, but I was scared for a little bit. Indeed, I have my work cut out for me over the next three weeks, but (and I realize how stupid this sounds) for some reason bitter December air has a way of snapping me into a state of lucidity that tends to escape me. I tend to forget that I'm alive from time to time, that every day is not a dress rehearsal for what's to come next.
Some people are parasitic and/or infectious, even if it's not intentionally...and I've decided to more actively rid them from my life. I tend to let the emotions of other people infiltrate my own. Instead of perpetuating that bullshit, I'm going to infect them. Because honestly, people need to be a hell of a lot more like me.
...and I'm totally kidding about the very last part. I'm pretty much amazing, but I'm not quite THAT full of myself. At least, not yet.
Peace out, my bitches.
Current Music: Regina Spektor - "Ne Me Quitte Pas"
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November 30th, 2007
01:05 pm - Sabes que estoy a tus pies
I had a random Shakira moment this morning. *shrug* She's way better when she's singing in Spanish.
Speaking of random moments, that was a nice unintentional alliteration.
Anyways...
I noticed that I have only written one entry the entire month of November....I'm starting to turn into Jesse (though, he removed his, so I think I'm still winning). My failure to update hasn't been due to any lack of material to write about; rather, it's quite the opposite. There's been so much going on that it seems basically futile to attempt to go on at any significant length as to the ins and outs of my daily life.
So, I'm going to post another cop-out entry and list somethings bullet style.
- I'm losing my job at the lab...something I knew was inevitable, but sad nevertheless.
- Megan is coming tomorrow for her brother Adam's birthday. It should be a fantastic time...though I kinda wish she was coming tonight so I'd have someone to be a cuddlebug with.
- Speaking of Megan, it's funny how people can pick up on the times when I'm missing her. Just the other night, McKaylee mentioned that she could sense, quite accurately, that I was thinking about her. *sigh*
- Thanksgiving was a hoot, though a bit awkward.
- Thanksgiving also served as a reminder of how much I miss some of my friends from high school. It was a shock to me as to whom I missed seeing, however. The group that I hung out with on Friday night was a blast.
- Speaking of the Friday of Thanksgiving, Libby came up to Fulton and we bowled with Buis, and I bowled over a 160! Maybe not too great, but this is coming from a guy who is usually struggling to break 100.
- I think I'm going to school next sememster and that I'm going to be applying for the College of Public Health for grad school, but I really don't feel like discussing the issue at any greater length.
- I've decorated the house fairly extensively. I love making my home festive. It gives the winter an extra I-don't-know-what.
- Speaking of winter, it's supposed to be a veratible wonderland tomorrow. Needless to say, I'm beyond excited.
- Considering venturing to Minnesota sometime in the near future, but have reservations.
- Adam's in Georgia. He thinks he wants to move there. It might not be a bad idea (Clinton and Fulton are hellholes and have done nothing but stagnate his life), but...ehn. I'm not a big fan of anywhere South of Peoria. He should move to the I.C.
- I'm cold and tired of updating.
Current Music: Shakira - "Suerte"
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November 5th, 2007
01:16 am - I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd hear a rooster crow
But there are none who live downtown
And so the day starts out so slow
Again the sun was never called
And darkness spreads over the snow
Like ancient bruises
I'm awake and feel the ache
But I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd see a field below
I wish I'd see your face below
I wish I'd hear you whispering low
But you don't live downtown no more
And everything must come and go
Being in Northern Iowa over the weekend was a strange experience. It was the first time in a while that I was completely submersed into such a rural area. For those readers who would consider Iowa City rural, understand that it is not, especially in comparison to the actual remote areas of the countryside. I would be lying if I said that there weren't aspects of the area that are sterotypical: small mindedness, conservative attitudes, etc. What I did not expect was the amount that I enjoyed it. It's amazing to me that I have so quickly forgotten my small-town roots. While it is true that I am fond of city-life, it is also true that there is an authenticity to the country that urban areas, at least as far as I have seen, can only attempt to feign. The people there are simple, indeed, but their simplicity stems from the fact that for the people of a small community, everything is out on the table. By this I mean it is much harder to spite someone in the area if you're going to have to see them each and every day.
Don't get me wrong. I will never live in a rural area again. The lack of social progress is too much of a deterrent for the possibility of setting up a permanent home. And maybe it's the simple lives that breeds the small-mindedness that plagues rural America. It's simply unfortunate that there is not a balance. It's unfortunate that the two groups of people are becoming further and further polarized; us "cross-over" types are a dying breed. I suppose what I'm saying is this: I feel sorry for those of you who have never had the opporunity to truly experience rural life (and suburbs most CERTAINLY do not count). I am sure that such an experience helps further and develop one's character as much as the cultural epicenters of America do. Without said experience, I am not altogether sure that one can ever be called "well-rounded".
Current Music: Regina Spektor - "Field Below"
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October 23rd, 2007
12:39 am - Relationships can be dead but look 'live to us...
A month since my last entry.
What's strange is that it's not due to lack of attempts. In fact, I've tried to write on multiple occasions. Everytime I finish, I highlight the bulk of it, hit backspace, and move on. I've had a hard time articulating much of anything, even in person. Communication has seemed nearly impossible lately...impossible or perhaps just too exhausting to bother trying.
So...I'm bringing back the freewrite. Here we go...
I'm not sure why, but I've felt so lonely lately. It's stupid because I've had a multitude of people around me at all times; people that I love dearly. But I cannot shake this feeling that I'm not really there...that the figure that floats around my usual haunts is merely a projection of what I am, or am expected to be. We all, myself included play these ridiculous roles in life and get so wrapped up in the overwhelming nature of it all that we forget who we are. This isn't a depressing thought, more or less frustrating. It's like trying to run uphill in the mud. You make headway, but you fall...Lord do you fall. The other night Ana was over, and we were watching cartoons and chatting. Our conversation, for one reason or another, turned to some pretty deep topics. I mentioned that I've always wanted to go overseas. She inquired why I haven't. I said that it was simple. Poor kids don't get to do fun things. That's how it works. She said: A.J., we only get one go at life...you die, end of story. This thought shook me, not because it made me sad or depressed or anything like that. It made me reflect on many of the choices I've made in how I present myself. All too often, I think I get into this mode where I'm just waiting for everything to feel "right", and I assume that I am going to be aware of what "right" is going to look/feel like. Maybe how I feel every morning is "right"...and if it's not, maybe it's time to change things before it's too late. I mean, I'm still young and I have a lot of time to do whatever I want. Sure, I've got a cloud of debt hanging over me, but the more I think about it, the more it dawns on me that debt is just another excuse. Granted, it's a pretty damn good one, but I can't let it get in the way of what it going to make me happy. I think I worry too much about making other people happy, I think I've always done that. It's almost pathogenic...everytime I put myself first, I think I'm being selfish and maybe I am, I dunno. People seem so scared all the time, and when they're not scared, they're actively searching for something to reinstate fear into their lives. Fear runs this country/world. Think about it. It's the basis of all religion, terrorism, war, fighting. If we weren't so scared of each other all the time, the idea of preemptive attack would be moot. Politicians are among the most depressing people to me. When you break it down, they're basically people who were once good, had ambitions, and genuinely wanted to change the world. Then, after 4 years of undergrad, X amount of years in grad school followed by countless years of being the political machine's bitch...it's enough to make anyone corrupt. A poor excuse I suppose, but I can understand why they do what they do. My mom is one of the smartest women I know. She saves my ass so often. I sometimes wonder if she knows how much I love her. I wonder if I am capable of expressing love. I've been told on several occassions that I'm a cold person. If I could, I would give anything to shake that perception. For those reading, know that I'm not intentionally emotionless, I'm just more of the hold back then blow-up type. Part of that's the role that I play...the clown...not that being a clown every now and then isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like my everyday dialouge is scripted. There are moments when I wish that my family didn't think I was so weird. There are moments when I agree with them...I am kinda weird. :) I overanalyze too much, but manage to avoid any actual solutions in the process. It would be nice to have someone to spoon with, but I'm not desperate enough to put myself into another unhealthy relationship. Cold weather is for lovers, it's more fun to warm up with someone else. Having Megan gone on a constant basis is hard to adjust to. Her visits help, but it's not the same. How is one expected to move on from living with his/her soul mate? I love how October smells. Yes, smells. And I love stepping on crunchy yellow leaves. Fall is beautiful. The hills that line the Iowa River are on fire and it makes me smile inside.
I guess that's enough for now.
Current Music: Common Ft. Lily Allen - "Drivin' Me Wild"
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